Leslie Nipps Counseling

Ever had one of these experiences?

1) You are so torn between choices A and B (and maybe C and D, too) that you are paralyzed into inaction, convinced that either choice will make you wrong.

2) You do something regularly in your life that you really wished you wouldn’t do, but you can’t stop it, and every time you think about how unable you are to change it, you tell yourself how terrible you are for being unable to change it.

You’ve got Inner Conflict.

Some anthropologists claim that inner conflict is what really makes us different from animals. Okay, I just made that up, but think about it: when was the last time you saw your dog or cat make themselves wrong about something? I remember when I growing up, watching my sleeping cats with infinite envy, I wasn’t coveting their restfulness or their furriness or their cute way of chasing their tails; I was envying their equanimity, their way of being at peace with themselves. Even then, I knew I wanted that.

In NLP, we assume everything has a positive intended outcome, even the most self-destructive of behaviors. Given how incredibly common inner conflict is, it must be a very highly valued state indeed. Making ourselves wrong about the normal challenges of life is an attempt to make something good of things that perhaps, in the past, weren’t so good for us. It’s an attempt to reach for something better, make things right, re-set the clock, return to innocence.

But inner conflict achieves none of these things. Instead, it causes infinite human suffering, and usually shuts down attempts at change before they can get started.

What if this was all unnecessary? Or better, what if it was all based on an understandable but useless illusion? Think about it: “conflict” requires multiple agents in some sort of opposition with each other. That’s what happens when two nations go to war, or neighbors get into a fight, or siblings struggle over the toys. It takes “more than one” to make for a conflict.

But what are you? You are one person. We carry the illusion that we are multiple selves. It’s an illusion that can be useful at times (it’s not me feeling the pain right now, it’s that body there), but it is an illusion. Inner conflict is a story we tell about our divided sense of identity. It keeps us from feeling like we are one person, and fuels struggle that keeps us at war with ourselves.

In the end, though, all parts of us also have a positive intended outcome for us. The part that wants to move to New York, and the part that wants to live near family—both of these are reaching for the best thing for us. There is no conflict. We are doing our best to love ourselves, deeply and usefully.

What helps you experience yourself as one person, with one heart and soul?

Pt. Judith Red Tire by Leslie Nipps